it took a long time to /become the thing i am to you

I have been reading this fantastic little gem by anne lamott about her first year as a mom. It is hilarious. She says so many of the things I wanted to say but was too embarrassed. She also talks about how before she had a child she had the luxury of just not caring. She could deal with anything and be okay with it, but now there is a child and if anything happened to that kid, that would just be the end of her. Those thoughts struck me so many times in the first couple of years of motherhood, and they still eat away at me in those quiet moments with myself now, just how attached I am to these little people I made. It takes my breath away.

tend the earth

So, I've really got a garden this year! I've been pretending for a couple of years and planting all sorts of things and watching them die, but this spring all sorts of things are blooming that I've been coaxing from the ground! And I feel more successful watching these tiny treasures of mine grow than I did when I had a fancy corporate job. I have a rosebush from my mother-in-law that their family has been cultivating for years and it has the most amazing scent. And the forget-me-nots are so tiny but have the truest blue I've ever seen. I love it! All of this is, of course, overshadowing all of my dying vegetables in the backyard that just seem to hate me. Maybe I should give up on eating vegetables altogether and just stick with chocolate.

The Long Goodbye

I want my hair back. A couple of days ago I got maybe eighteen inches of my hair cut off. I am still quite glad I did it but I knew I would want it back at some point, and I want it back now. It was my shell, my protective covering from the world. Well, it didn't actually shield me from much and it often got in the way, but I liked it. It was a pain to take care of and brush but it felt normal, right even. And now I don't look like myself. But I do kind of like my new hair. It just doesn't look like me. Or maybe doesn't look like me yet. And now, hopefully, some child somewhere (or maybe three or four children) with some unfortunate disease that will require baldness at some point can have some of my protective shell.